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Story #1
After reading through 25 years of old journals during a month long retreat in January 2008 a lot of things became clear.
First of all, I could see that I was living my life out of fear. Fear of not doing the right thing, fear of what people would think of me, fear of hurting people’s feelings, fear of what was happening in the world, fear as a woman of being raped or physically attacked, fear of not having enough money, fear of not being successful, fear of being alone, of not being loved…I could go on, so many big and little fears unconsciously ruling my life, my thoughts and my actions.
I could also see that I was always seeking fulfillment in the next thing. I will be happy, I will be able to rest, I will not be stressed, etc. once xyz is over, once I have done this or done that or after xyz happens. But always there was the next thing and I was off again, trying to find my peace.
Internally, I was in a battle with myself. Always judging myself, trying to make myself a better person. Not loving or accepting myself for who I was. And not accepting the external environment. Thinking that I had to (and could) make people happy, that I had to (and could) “save the world.”
Perhaps all of this is more than you wanted to know about the unconscious patterns and repetitive cycles of my human mind. But I share it because what comes next in my life comes from seeing these patterns and cycles and saying, ‘alright, I’ve done it’. I’ve lived my life this way for 36 years, now I am going to try something new: to live from love.
This website and all of the artwork is born from this place, from love. Come share the love with me. Attend an upcoming show or view the pieces on-line. Questions or comments? I can be reached at lanell[at]breatheonelove[dot]com.
 Stack of Journals |
 Goodbye |